Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Heart. Ache.

Last night I said goodbye to my best friend. As I write this, tears are streaming down my face. (Oh and let's note I'm in Jury Duty today, everyone is staring at me.) In a ray of hope I woke this morning hoping it was all a dream, only to brutally realize the morning after such a loss may be worse than I ever imagined. I woke up empty, feeling as if there was a hole in my heart-and in my life. He took a piece of me with him last night and I do not know what to do. The black hole I find myself in doesn't seem to have any way out, as yet I can see, and I'm scrambling for breath.

I share this with you because 1) I rarely share the things that hurt me and 2) I believe it's vital we make aware the pain involved in loosing someone you so dearly love.

Now let me explain, my best friend is still living and breathing in this big grand world. Simply put, our energies had become too entwined. Though the reasons, justifications and actions as to how it all went down are less important right now due to my inconsolable grief, I will say that this may be one of the hardest moments in my life thus far. And there I go crying again.

A good friend of mine, also a therapist, passed along the Kubler-Ross 5 Stages of Grief to me this morning. I'm all too familiar with the model and after grudgingly accepting the information I began to think that it may be a smart idea to look it over. After all, I just lost someone right? I'm in a black hole and can't see my way out, that sounds pretty familiar.

5 Stages of Grief
1. Denial- This can't be happening to me. I'm ok.
2. Anger- Why me?? This sucks. This isn't fair. Are you a complete idiot for letting me go?
3. Bargaining- If we just do x,y,z maybe we can go back to what it was....
4. Depression- I'm so sad. I can't get out of bed, I no longer enjoy the things I once did.
5. Acceptance- And I'm back biatches!

Now the real question is, does anybody have a tissue??

1 comment:

  1. I have a tissue, and a shoulder, and an facebook account where you can message me if you need to.

    love you Steph.