Thursday, December 31, 2009

Vegas or Bust

You've only got one life to live, so you might as well live it up right!

Last minute plans to Vegas are a GO this New Year's Eve. I've decided to hop a plane and get the heck out of San Francisco. Why you may ask? Well, there are several reasons...

1. It's the end of a decade, why not spend it in one of the sexiest cities on the planet?

2. I have nothing going for me in SF tonight anyways. Really, clouds and rain have no appeal after a decade of fear and false promises. Show me the Sun.

3. Champagne in Sin City is way better than champagne in San Francisco. Hands down.

4. Being the single girl that I am, why not rock it while I'm young? I mean seriously, if I could have it my way I would have spent it with someone in particular but that person was unfortunately not mutually responsive. So I'm outtie 5000. Form a line for a kiss at midnight.

And finally...

5. Spontaneity is the key to living a long and fulfilling life. Without a little fear and fun you aren't gonna get very far. Or at least, not have any good stories to tell your grand kids.

Crazy thing is, I can't bring any luggage with me. I'll not only be wearing the party dress on the plane there, but most likely on the way back as well. That is, if I can keep the dress on. I'll keep you posted.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


I don't believe in them. In my personal opinion, they are the perfect opportunity for people to idealistically theorize their life in a new and changed way, but usually the work involved in that new life is one that is daunting and, surprise surprise, is work that never actually gets done.

Take for example, the classic resolution of working out/getting healthy/getting in shape. Oh it sounds good, it really does. You hang your bikini up on your refrigerator. You place a picture of your "fat" self on the mirror and every morning stare at it in hopes you will lose the last 25 pounds you've gained by being lazy. Hell you'll even hit the gym a few times that first week, all excited and ready to sweat off those unwanted love handles.

And then it hits you like a ton of bricks. You're sore. You're tired. You're hungry. Salads taste like rabbit food. The pounds don't miraculously fall off. WTF.

Now folks, this is where it counts. This is where you have to dig deep and actually JUST DO IT. I know, I know, classic Nike cliche but seriously. Keep going. Don't give up. You WILL see results. Just get your little (or big) a** to that gym. If you want some really great inspiration I recommend this blog to get your butt moving...

My motto: The harder you work, the harder you get to play.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Tick Tock

I have zero tolerance for individuals who say they are going to do something or be somewhere and they flake or are extremely late. I don't have a problem with someone changing plans on me, that's life. I DO have a problem when friends casually dismiss plans. It shows a blatant lack of disrespect not only for the other person but also for the time at hand.

Please don't waste my time. Please show respect for others and their use of time. And if need be, cancel plans instead of being passive aggressive. Oh and lastly, please be aware of how lame you are. Thank you and good evening.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

'Tis the Season

Another year and I've survived the slew of proposals and engagements that ridden the holiday season. This year's count: 4 proposals, 3 break ups, 2 affairs and for lack of a better saying, one bun in the oven. If there's anything worse than the holiday season in general, it's the sheer velocity of relationship chaos that reigns at the New Year.

I'm at that age where proposals matter. It's on the agenda of most of my friend's social calendars. Here's a typical day in the life of a 20-something woman:

8am Starbucks Run & First Bestie Call of the Day
9am Work work work
10am 2nd Bestie Call, Meeting with Boss, Flirt with new co-worker/intern/barista/fedex guy
11am Peruse and hope your ex isn't in your top 5 matches
Noon Lunch and small talk with cute guy in line at the deli
1pm 3rd Call to Bestie before staring blindly at your co-workers new engagement ring
2pm Spend afternoon planning your own wedding which is no where near happening all because your co-worker got engaged
5pm Call it a day, head to the gym
6pm Think your thighs are huge the entire time you are at gym, miss eye contact with hottie at the free weights
7pm Eat a pint of ben & jerry's
8pm Last call to the Bestie, Facebook stalk your exes and wonder why they have moved on and you can't find That Great Guy yet
10pm Receive text from your latest hook up...consider it even though he's not Mr. Right

Yea I know, great right? Most women blindly spend their time wishing they were something they aren't or used to be. A friend gets engaged and a woman starts to wonder why she's not. As everyone around you starts to take the plunge, you begin to question your ability to not only entice but to maintain a long term relationship.

My only solution? Money may not buy me a boyfriend but it sure as hell buys me a kickass diamond.

Monday, December 21, 2009

A Rare Event

A blue moon is the second full moon in one month and it only happens once every two years. This year, there's a blue moon on New Year's Eve, which hasn't happened for 20 years.


Pic Courtesy Blue Moon Brewing

Saturday, December 19, 2009

When I Can I Stop Pretending I Like Dogs?

I have a dog. She's a Pug. Her name's Zoey. Super cute, super fat and a sweetheart. She sees me and gets all excited, wagging her little tail in anticipation of acknowledgement. She brings me toys to play with her, cuddles with me at night and is relatively a really good dog.

The thing is, I can't stand owning a dog. There. I said it.

My apartment is fantastic: hardwood floors, bay views and original molding. I even have the original fireplace (sadly not working) in my bedroom. But unfortunately my apartment is covered in dog hair. So are most of my clothes. It's everywhere. You know that crappy tinsel stuff at Christmas? The stuff that just NEVER seems to disappear long after the tree has been thrown on the street for the garbage man to pick up? Yea, dog hair is like that stuff. I vacuum weekly and de-hair daily but it doesn't make a difference.

I got Zoey because The Ex had a Pug as well. We were playing house, the whole White Picket Fence game and we got Zoey to keep Merlin company while The Ex and I were at work during the day. You should have seen us. Actually, I'm somewhat impressed with my domestication skills at this time. So anyways, The Ex and I broke up AFTER moving to San Francisco where yards are unheard of. Crap.

So now I'm stuck with her. If Zoey was my child, she'd be in therapy for my blatant lack of love.

Double Fisting

The source of all my problems.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Only Child Syndrome

I have this disease called Only Child Syndrome. It's rare, diagnosed at birth and in my case, cannot be cured. I've attempted to treat it through various means throughout my life: playing with other children, making friends, spending time with my peers...the list goes on and on really. I've tried it all.

The bad news is that I'm still sick. I never liked playing with other children and I don't really like my peers. This is what happens when you hang out with adults most of your life. I'm a lost cause. If you've ever met an only child I'm sure you can relate. We are evil little creatures, typically demanding most if not all of your attention. Here are some typical symptoms to distinguish Only Child Syndrome in others:

-Perpetual attention hogging & seeking
-Me Me Me mentality
-Lack of compassion or sympathy for others
-Narcissistic tendencies (really we are a product of grandparents who spoiled the sh*t out of us cause we were the only ones)
-Demanding and often over-controlling
-My Way or the Highway doctrine
-And lastly, believe everything they touch is there's

I am now accepting donations for a cure. I'll take payment in form of gifts, money and dinners at fine restaurants. My non-profit is in the works. Check back for details. 


I was on my way to the bathroom at work just now and it dawned on me...

I want to be Barbie. I love her. She is fantastic. The clothes, accessories, trips, cars, homes, men...seriously that women has it all. And why shouldn't she? She doesn't even age, it's a miracle really.

The blonde hair, the perfect nails, the perpetual smile. Oh my god. She's my idol. It all makes sense now.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Now Accepting Applications

The Perfect Boyfriend Application

WARNING: In order to successfully make it to the next round, you must finish both sections of the following application for even a slight consideration. Good luck!

Part A: Basic Requirements

1) You must be born male. Sorry, no trannies, I'll need to see a birth certificate.
2) You must be taller than me.
3) You must not own or ever wear birkenstocks, crocs footwear or randy river jeans.
4) All your parts need to be in good working order, further testing will need to be conducted of course.
5) I can't accept a regular drug user. I am including weed.
6) You must own at least four collared dress shirts. You need to look presentable standing next to me.
7) Your height must be proportional to your weight using the standard AMA guidelines.
9) You must look like the above photo
10) English must be your first language. Sorry, I'm not a part-time ESL teacher.

If you meet all of the requirements above then you may continue, if not, then you are now dismissed but thank you for applying to be my boyfriend.

Now: give yourself two points for each of the following criteria you meet

Part B: Supplemental Information

1) You have (or are working on) a post secondary degree.
2) You own a car and have a valid driver's license. Suspended for DUIs: minus 10 points.
3) You've never worn Ed Hardy, Affliction or any other Christian Audigier affiliated brand.
4) You follow at least one professional sport.
5) You have skills in bed. Not because you think you do, because your past experiences have told you. There is a practical portion to this application at a later date.
6) You don't mind dating women with Only Child Syndrome
7) You have been to at least three countries outside of North America.
8) You don't need to call a handy man if something breaks around the house.
9) You know how to cook a meal for two.
10) You're adventurous
11) You can make it through a romantic comedy without complaining (we don't have to tell your friends).
12) You have a great sense of humor. Are people laughing with you, or at you?
13) You can plan a good date without any help or advice from me. "I don't know, what do you want to do" isn't an answer.
14) You work out and enjoy being physically active.In other words, you must be able to keep up with me while we shop.
15) You have a job that requires more than a high school diploma.
16) You ride a motorcycle. I love to go riding.
17) You have a 5 year goal minimum
18) You aren't afraid of being yourself, even if you have a dorky side.
19) You're competitive, and I don't mean you like to battle it out with your Wii buddies on the weekends.
20) You know how to dance.

If you have a score of 30+ then please contact me immediately. If you scored between 20-30 pts, you can contact me, but I don't have a lot of hope for our future relationship. If you did not score high enough, then please do not contact me, but if at some time in the future you are able to improve yourself and meet the minimum requirements, then you may re-apply.

I thank you in advance for your application, however, only successful candidates will receive a response.

My Future Ex Husband

Cause I'll take half of everything he's got...

Abstinence is the Only Way

Not that I'm that hardcore Left or Right, but I did find this to be hilarious. I don't think anyone should be deprived of the gloriousness that is sex, but to each their own.

You've Got Mail

It's that time of year again when people start mailing out Christmas cards to each other in hopes of sending holiday spirit to people they don't really talk to throughout the year. In the past I've been pretty lucky and received some amazing cards from friends and family around the world. This year's all junk. Yea, I said it.

I've had more than a few friends get married over the last 12 months. These once single gals were some of the best card writers and senders I had ever met. I'm talking one of a kind, sometimes hand-crafted, beautifully written cards full of love, laughter and memories. I too sent out only the best of the best to these beautiful ladies, fondly recalling good times and expressing ever-lasting fromance (friend romance, kinda like bromance). But this year, you know what I got? SPAM.

I arrive home after a looooooong day yesterday and retrieve the mail. Low and behold there are a few X-Mas cards for my delightful eyes. I open them with anticipation and you know what I get? A generic, happy holidays, we just got married, two become one crap kind of a card. No personal message. No actual signature. No "Love" or "Dear Stephanie". No personalization what so ever. I get not one but TWO cards plastered with snapshots of the loving couples wedding day (by the way, I was there and saw it, you don't have to send me a card with more pics) and the inevitable so AND so signature. You know the one: "Sarah & John" or "Jack, Lisa & ____(insert child's name here)". Gross.

Now I know the couple's mentality isn't one I've been accustomed to for the last few years, but I never thought my oldest friends would resort to the We Syndrome. I'll still love them and send them personalized cards full of memories. And when they open my card to a lap-full of glitter, maybe they'll think twice before mass-mailing me.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'd Rather Blog than Work

So I just started this blog thing and I'm already addicted. It's like taking your first line of coke, the rush you get propels you to just keep going. I feel like Superwoman.

I work at a magazine company. Typically my day revolves around making calls, setting up appointments, closing sales, meeting people and dressing cute. I swear my life has more meaning than all this but you probably don't care much about that. Magazine publishing is glamorous and exciting. Deadlines, fun clients, free stuff. One of my dreams has always been to work at a magazine and here I am. I love it when my dreams come true. Don't you?

Umbrella Etiquette

It's raining outside. A lot. And if there's one thing I despise more than not getting what I want, it's the rain. My hair, which is usually gloriously curly and luscious, is now flat and stringy. All my cute shoes are tucked away in my warm and dry apartment, and my galoshes are my staple footwear. At least for the next 5 months. Thank god I bought them in multiple colors to match any outfit.

As I walked to work this morning in the rain, you could say I was a bonified Little Miss Riding Hood. Black tights, bright red galoshes, bright red pea coat and bright red umbrella, I was the most coordinated Suit on the block. Which led me to look around and examine who was standing next to me. Umbrellas are a fascinating thing. Some are large, some are small. Some are flat, some are exceptionally round. Some are cheap, others are pricey. Patterned, plain or clear. Really, they are an accessory within themselves. Which comes to my next point...umbrella etiquette.

1. When walking down the sidewalk, always position your umbrella slightly over the shoulder AWAY from people coming the opposite direction. When you place the umbrella squarely over yourself, it causes problems.

2. Which brings me to my next point: if there are too many umbrellas on the sidewalk, some must alternate either being low or high. If you are a male, lift yours up. Give us girls some room underneath ya. It's only polite.

3. Don't be stupid enough to live in San Francisco and NOT own an umbrella

4. Attempt, just attempt, to match your umbrella with your outfit. I was highly impressed with a Suit who had a gooorrggeeous umbrella that matched his outfit to the T. You could tell he meant business. HOT

5. Lastly, if you don't own an umbrella and you are walking in a crowd that does, don't barge your way through the crowd and expect all of us to get our umbrellas out of the way. We brought them for a reason-to stay dry. Don't try to get us wet by bustling through.