Thursday, December 17, 2009

Now Accepting Applications

The Perfect Boyfriend Application

WARNING: In order to successfully make it to the next round, you must finish both sections of the following application for even a slight consideration. Good luck!

Part A: Basic Requirements

1) You must be born male. Sorry, no trannies, I'll need to see a birth certificate.
2) You must be taller than me.
3) You must not own or ever wear birkenstocks, crocs footwear or randy river jeans.
4) All your parts need to be in good working order, further testing will need to be conducted of course.
5) I can't accept a regular drug user. I am including weed.
6) You must own at least four collared dress shirts. You need to look presentable standing next to me.
7) Your height must be proportional to your weight using the standard AMA guidelines.
9) You must look like the above photo
10) English must be your first language. Sorry, I'm not a part-time ESL teacher.

If you meet all of the requirements above then you may continue, if not, then you are now dismissed but thank you for applying to be my boyfriend.

Now: give yourself two points for each of the following criteria you meet

Part B: Supplemental Information

1) You have (or are working on) a post secondary degree.
2) You own a car and have a valid driver's license. Suspended for DUIs: minus 10 points.
3) You've never worn Ed Hardy, Affliction or any other Christian Audigier affiliated brand.
4) You follow at least one professional sport.
5) You have skills in bed. Not because you think you do, because your past experiences have told you. There is a practical portion to this application at a later date.
6) You don't mind dating women with Only Child Syndrome
7) You have been to at least three countries outside of North America.
8) You don't need to call a handy man if something breaks around the house.
9) You know how to cook a meal for two.
10) You're adventurous
11) You can make it through a romantic comedy without complaining (we don't have to tell your friends).
12) You have a great sense of humor. Are people laughing with you, or at you?
13) You can plan a good date without any help or advice from me. "I don't know, what do you want to do" isn't an answer.
14) You work out and enjoy being physically active.In other words, you must be able to keep up with me while we shop.
15) You have a job that requires more than a high school diploma.
16) You ride a motorcycle. I love to go riding.
17) You have a 5 year goal minimum
18) You aren't afraid of being yourself, even if you have a dorky side.
19) You're competitive, and I don't mean you like to battle it out with your Wii buddies on the weekends.
20) You know how to dance.

If you have a score of 30+ then please contact me immediately. If you scored between 20-30 pts, you can contact me, but I don't have a lot of hope for our future relationship. If you did not score high enough, then please do not contact me, but if at some time in the future you are able to improve yourself and meet the minimum requirements, then you may re-apply.

I thank you in advance for your application, however, only successful candidates will receive a response.

1 comment:

  1. I'm adding you to my blogroll. just an FYI.